I'm sorry to report that today was ridiculously productive. Yesterday was as well. Sunday night I made a to-do list that made my head whirl it was so long. Or so I thought. Today I realized that the real stress-factor was the fact that the list was a summer to-do list. As in, a list that covers 3, count 'em, 3 months. And that it had an end.
Par for the course of a hypochondriac, I'm afraid somewhere between birth and my last birthday I became inflicted with a condition: workaholism. Hear me out.
I went to the physical therapist about my foot on Friday. I was explaining as cheerfully as possible my lack of physical activity the past month. And then I realized that "I have not ran in almost 4 weeks" was a downright lie. I had run that very afternoon to my car. I had then proceeded to run the 1/8th mile to a graduation ceremony I was, well, sorta late for. I had a vague memory of my running down the corridor of my apartment complex the day before. And I'm pretty sure I ran in the vacant hallways of my school. I can't specify why exactly. In fact, I'm pretty sure not a day goes by that I don't find myself running, however briefly, somewhere. Surely, nothing is truly so urgent that running all of 10 seconds makes any sort of difference.
I think, the truth of it is that I just like to run. And that I like to feel compelled to do so. In other words, I like living in a rush. I'm kind of a mind over matter person. I'm pretty decent at calming myself down when necessary. And that said Friday, before my Dr. visit, I was acutely aware that I was kind of in a rush for nothing and that I should probably chill out. But guess what? I didn't want to chill out. I specifically remember telling myself, "What kind of fun would that be?" You see, because living life overwhelmed makes everything seem like an adventure; more exciting than things really are. The same way that having a to-do list makes life seem purposeful.
And despite the useless running, the carrying more than I can carry, the frequent knots of the stomach, flutters of panic in my chest, stress induced head-whirling (oh dear, I sound like Mrs. Bennett), ALL of that is far more bearable to the anxiety caused by not having enough to do. Which is what I am currently suffering from.
Yes, I'll fess up. Denial is useless. I am a workaholic going through withdrawl. Premature withdrawl, I might add, since I am currently more than occupied. But come July and we are in serious trouble, ladies and gents.
In need of a fix, I've turned to this, my happy therapeutic corner of the blogosphere. To make lists! Naturally.
My first list is pretty straight forward. In order to prevent the inevitable "my life has lost all meaning now that school is out and I can't live off of hugs and gossip and lesson plans" crash, I'm going to put this last year in perspective. Since this time last year I have done the following:
- Nannied in Colorado and learned, well, a lot. About families and about myself.
- Moved out. Learned to make a lot of gluten-free food.
- Decided to go to Grad School. Don't underestimate the hours spent on that decision.
- Was head teacher (sorta) and then not. I survived ensuing drama and came out the better for it.
- Got crafty. As in, I thought about something, and then made it!
- Studied and passed the GRE.
- Sent my BFF off to Texas. Adjusted my phone appointments accordingly.
- Applied for and was accepted to the program I wanted.
- Had the longest lasting dating relationship to date. Usually I wouldn't include this kind of sappy information but it will be good to remind myself come Fall semester that I am in fact capable of balancing school/work/relationships.
- Survived the ever-dreaded fakeout.
- Trained for and ran a 1/2 marathon. Last time this year I was barely running 2 miles in Vibrams!
- Stuck with my decision to attend said Grad program. Again, don't underestimate the stress that decision caused me.
- Found an apartment and a ward to my liking.
- Undertook my first ever entrepreneur-like endeavor: Summer French Camp the curriculum of which is currently being refined, thus keeping me semi-busy.
As for this summer, I suppose I got what I wanted: a flexible summer. I didn't want to work 40 hour weeks at some menial job, whatever the money. I wasn't sure about working at a Nat'l Park or living abroad. All I knew was that I wanted the flexibility of camping, traveling, and reading French lit. I will most definitely have that flexibility.
I might have thought things through a little more though. Because I need people to camp and travel with and not working means I don't meet anyone. It also means that I could spend hours upon hours daily of not interacting with a single human soul. This very thought makes me shudder. And no, not from joy. So here's the remedy for my ill-conceived summer plan:
1) Do not try to mask boredom with food. For some reason, when I am not stressed, I have a fantastic appetite for junk. Which I will NOT be indulging.
2) Volunteer: tutor for refugees, translating at hospitals (still have to inquire on this account). If possible, daily. Just to get me out of the house.
3) Pilates, yoga, running or biking daily.
4) Read a French book a week. Create flashcards of words I don't know. Flashcardmachine.com, you and I are going to get real cozy this summer. I'm actually really excited about this one. Confession: I have this huge amount of jealousy for anyone spending their summer living in France when I think how beautiful their French will be when they return. Then I remember my own summer abroad and what I learned: that I learn more French by reading books than living in France. Of course, my learning curve is higher when I both live and read there but, well, let's be realistic here.
5) A weekly temple trip.
6) Barring further injury, I don't see why I can't have worked back up to 10 mile runs.
7) Go on a trip. As irresponsible as Europe would be, I can't get over the notion that this could be my last free and flexible summer and that I should take two weeks or more and make them count. I refuse to make this kind of trip alone though. On top of a summer of solitude, I think that would be too much. So this goal is contingent on my finding someone to be irresponsible with.
8) Reread all the Harry Potters. Because, like, what else will I be doing?
9) Get fabulously tan. This will be no doubt due to the hours I spend in the lawn chair reading. The thought alone makes me want to sigh. With joy.
10) Hike Timp.
11) Use my super expensive camera. Attend classes. Take a lot of pictures before I buy more equipment.
12) Work on some creative writing. As in, learn to write about real things. And not just lists.
13) Take up a temp job if absolutely necessary. I just have to remember: money isn't everything.
14) Most importantly, overcome workaholism. Work, play, and learn to live without the 'over' in 'whemed'.
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