Je ne voulais rien entreprendre qui n'eut une justification totale. Je souffrais de ne point parvenir à mettre des étiquettes définitives sur les choses et sur moi ; j'aspirais à la nécessité. La liberté c'est très joli mais épuisant. Je ne voulais pas d'un monde où subsistaient des choix, des remords et des compromis. Tout me paraissait vain si tout n'était pas assuré.
-Jean D'Ormesson
My relationship status with life right now: it's complicated. The next few months of my life are up in the air, refusing to subject themselves to my meticulous planning. It's times like this when I resort to lists and cold, hard, delicious facts.
Fact #1: I have applied for grad school.
Subfact: If attending grad school is as intense as applying for grad school, I may just be in over my head.
Fact #2: I don't know if I will get accepted to grad school.
Subfact: I don't know what I will do if I don't get accepted to grad school. But I've been working myself up for so many months now for a big change that I don't know if I can continue without some sort of upheaval. Nothing like a change in scenery to remind you you're alive.
Fact #3: I don't know where I will work or live this summer. And it's already March.
Subfact: I may remain ignorant for some time now on this account. There are many other factors that the where's and if's are contingent upon.
Fact #4: I have failed in the following New Year's resolutions:
- Do yoga every month at least twice. Yep, haven't touched the mat since January. Unless you count a few post-run downward dog stretches. Which I don't.
- Read at least one book a month. January only made the grade because I reread Chretien de Troye's Le Chevalier au Lion, in English, in order to rewrite a paper on the same. February found me part way through 3 books. One of them is under 50 pages. I will finish it tonight. A victory?
- A monthly post for the blog and journal. Yeah, nuff said.
- Maintain a new recipe a month. Success in this case is, quite literally, sweet. I have tried several new recipes a month. So much so that I can't keep track of them all. I even made curry the other day WITHOUT, yeah, that's right people, WITHOUT, SANS, SIN, a recipe. Oh yeah.
- Learn to live with less. If you don't take into account my body's voracious ability to need doctors, supplements and expensive, GF good, I think you could give this one a check. Plus. I haven't bought myself a book or item of clothing all year. I also have barely had time to buy myself groceries. But. like. whatever.
Subfact: Happiness is exponentially greater when I am able to run in it. Rare. But not impossible.
Fact#6: I like running again! I nailed 7 miles this weekend and my recovery seems to be better every time. I'm even averaging 9:30 a mile instead of 10.
Subfact: Oh, and did I mention, my calves are getting bigger.
Fact#7: This weekend I got to run, read, nap, and hang out with friends after I was done being alone. Today, I cracked open one of my Runner's World magazine. I've been subscribed for 6 months and this is the first time that has happened. I feel completely spoiled. My dishes have been done the last 3 days. My room is semi-clean. I am prepared for school tomorrow. And I'm BLOGGING! I'm sorry for the friends I'm abandoning in the process of filling my me-time meter.
Subfact: All apologies aside, truly, I am a better person for these simple indulgences. Trust me.
Fact#8: Since having started this post last week there has been the earthquake/tsunami/nuclear explosion in Japan. I'm not going to attempt to touch on the magnitude of the thing. First of all because it's unknown and secondly and most importantly, I know there are so many other people out there living it whose stories won't get told or understand and I don't really want to waste anyone's time with mine. But, let me just say that I've felt a little guilty, this past week, going about things as if nothing had changed with the routine remaining the routine when there are thousands of peoples' lives which will never be the same. I am grateful for so many things and I feel like it's so unfair for me to have them when others don't. I've been plagued by an obsession with justice since before I can remember. I have a girl in one of my classes who suffers from the same condition. She's a walking panic attack, honestly, the 4 year old has "anxiety" written all over her. So I'm not saying it's a good thing. It's just a thing and if anything probably not a good one. But aside from all the injustice and my inability to really do anything at all, I'm reminded of Job, actually. And of my last post. The one about belief in God being a product of having to rely or not rely on him and all the varied, deep and well undiscussed implications. Yeah, that one. And so, in the spirit of vicarious fairness, I have been imagining myself in the middle of such a catastrophe. Not that I claim to be able to fathom. But human empathy has its uses and I claim them often. Human empathy has brought me to the realization however that no amount of self deprivation on the part of anyone or everyone else living is going to be able to set things right to the point that things will be how they were. And, looking at the history books, that's nothing new. Call me cheesy or whatever but it puts me in mind of a Lord of the Rings quote. Oh yeah, the one about deciding what to do with the time given to us that makes me cry every time. I guess what I'm trying to say is that there are a lot of things I feel unfit to do. But I think that the most meaningful thing I could do now and in the midst of any personal catastrophe is do what Job did. Or, as Journey puts it: don't stop believin'.
