To really set the scene for this blog, I think you should know that I am writing from a bathroom.
A conversation I just had:
Sister: "What are you doing here?"
Me: "Typing."
Sister: "Why?"
Me: "Because I am too lazy to move."
In case you were wondering, I am definitely NOT on the toilet. I just moved my computer to the bathroom counter today so that I could avoid boredom while getting dressed and doing my makeup. Consequently, getting dressed and doing my makeup took well over an hour. Bathroom acoustics, you see.
And I didn't realize it until I was actually done writing this thing that the fact that I am in the bathroom is really ironic, given some references made here. True Hogwarts fans will figure it out.
Now, let's do this thing.
I have come to a few harsh (re)realizations this week.
1) I have little internal self control. My self control goes as far as putting myself into auto-constraining situations; imposing upon myself a rigorous work schedule, a race deadline, a limited grocery list, a restaurant full of nothing with gluten in it that smells better than its gluten free alternative menu items. Without the initial imposition however, this is what happens:
When I set my own hours 8 AM comes far too early. Before noon and I'm either eating breakfast or fixing lunch, getting on the internet then taking an afternoon nap because well, I deserve it. After that, I have to check to see that nothing happened on the internet or on my phone while I was sleeping. Then I have to decide what to make for dinner, recipe browse while I listen to music and get lost in a song or two that I put on repeat five or six times, decide that I will let myself be inspired at the grocery store and that it would probably be a good idea if I put a bra on, make a delicious dinner that makes me want to photograph and blog all about it, at which point I check the internet to find out when that next photography class is, write a post-it note that I will lose within 24 hours, avoid the computer though because I have to work, when conveniently I find an opportunity to hang out or run because I need to invest in my social life and my physical health and then look it's time for bed and this goes on every day until Saturday and now when people actually want to hang out I have to tell them, no, I'm sorry, I have a whole week's worth of work to do. Tonight. Wow, I'm such a winner.
When I go to the store, I usually end up with some new expensive health or gluten-free product that will change my life or else a bulk bag of chocolate covered: dark chocolate caramel chews, cinnamon bears, acai + blueberry goodness, or pomegranate seeds. And I tell myself that said bag will last me weeks, no, probably like 2 months, and is worth paying the $10 I just saved by not going to that movie with friends. I'm lucky if whatever bag I caved for lasts the week.
When I don't have a race deadline, I find that my stomach hurts an awful lot. Or my foot. Or my head. Or maybe I should do pilates or yogo to get ready for running. Except that I probably should have done that this morning and well, now it's too late, I'm already showered and well, it's really hot outside anyway. Strangely enough, the only time it's convenient to go running is when I should be working on Saturday night. But it's twilight and really I shouldn't push myself or run too long because it's getting late and could be dangerous.
And let's not talk about going to restaurants. If there is pizza or pastries involved, I am gone before I walk in the door. And then of course I am sick two days following.
2) All of these problems have solutions (make a list, deadline, and don't go out to eat ever again) except the first and probably most crucial. Because come September, I will be a student again. Which means essentially setting my own hours. If you just read the former paragraphs, you may understand why my recent track record does not exactly inspire confidence. My trick back when I was a student the last time (just, oh, you know, 5 little years ago) was to exile myself to the library or at my work, and not allow myself to come home until the work was done.
3) That exiling tactic for productivity only worked because my phone didn't get service in the library. And my job was talking on the phone, so when I stayed late from work, the last thing I felt like doing was picking it up again.
4) And this is perhaps the most disturbing realization: Facebook did not exist when I was in college, at least not in it's matured form. Nascent, it lacked the following dangerous features: chat, wall activity, and, the most potent: the fil d'acualité. The best part: now that I have a laptop and smartphone, this infamous distraction is accessible at all times that I am in class and "studying" with a simple tap. I am unequipped to deal with that kind of temptation!
All these realizations culminated in the following: If I was Harry Potter and the upcoming school year was my Voldemort, I would most certainly die a slow, unforgiving death at his hand. Probably somewhere in 5th book, when my lack of self-discipline makes me miserable to read about and pretty much ruins things for a whole bunch of other people involved.
In short, I needed and still need (they need to invent a tense that entails that a past tense as well as an ongoing present) to get a hold of myself. Really, it wouldn't be such a bad thing if I could just stop being Harry and be Hermione instead because she's perfect, brilliant, prepared, never distracted, incapable of procrastination, immune to the lure of petty gossip and wall posts, highly logical, genuinely courageous, and well, mostly just really self-disciplined. And really, who wants to read about Harry anyway?
You should know that I scoffed to myself when I read about programs such as RescueTime that block the internet and certain sites, popup reminders letting you know you are doing distracting stuff and to get back to work, let you setup goals, time slots, schedules, and send you a weekly report on how productive you have been compared to other users. "Honestly" I told myself, "has it really come down to this that people actually have to invent and pay for a program that forces them to have self-discipline."
Now, as I am looking myself in the bathroom mirror, (yes, I'm still here) nodding my head, the only person I'm scoffing at is me: "Yes, you have really come down to this".
Except that I'm far too stubborn and too cheap to admit to a need for such a program. I'm about to reform myself. Single-handedly. In true Hermione and Regina Spektor style, I shall be my own heroine. Thank you very much.
Step one in my recovery program is to curb the addiction. In following with a tradition I unintentionally started last summer, I'm going off of facebook for not one but TWO WEEKS.
Heroic, I know.
Here me out: this week marks the beginning of my life without deadline-imposed work. I have essentially 30 hours I will need to put in from now until Sept. 1. For me, that's basically the same as unemployment. I'd like to see you unemployed and not in school and then stay off facebook for 2 weeks. No, but really. I would love to see how it's done.
Last year's theme of facebook deprivation was Walden. Guess what, I never read it. This year, I'm going with something more practical: Wizards.
That being said, Facebook, I have one word for you: Expeliarmus!
