Hold Tight (in which my obsession of libraries= a major digression)

So this weekend I found myself in conversation about how I learned French. Which inevitably comes around to four main events since no one really likes to hear about how during my undergrad I passed hours a day getting intimate with a particular chair in the basement of the Marriot Library and stacks of French books and notes, plotting all the while which nooks in the library would make for ideal sites for extracurricular adventures that would happen when I actually had a life.

In case you were wondering, not all Marriot libraries are created equal. Not only is BYU's Marriot library not conducive to those kind of adventures, but it's also totally not conducive to napping between studies. Some of the best naps of my life were taken on the U of U campus. Also, the U's Marriot library is more aesthetically pleasing in every way, and that was before the renovations. As in, I have actually hung out there AFTER having graduated. I was studying for the GRE, granted, but I wanted to be there. Wanted. Yeah. Don't you?

 

The only redeeming thing about BYU's Marriot library is their music they play at closing to get you out of there. The only bad thing is that no one dances when that music comes on. I don't get why that doesn't provoke a spontaneous dance party every.single.night. I can't tell you how many times I wanted to get on top of the tables and just start dancing. If the lights were out and no one could stare at me, I would have.  I wondered back when I started going to the library if I was the only one with this idea and found this video. Yeah, something like that, only better moves and less lighting. Basically, BYU's Marriot library was just a constant reminder of the all the ways we students are (were) repressed. Not that any student who is half serious about his/her studies doesn't have to live with repression in some way if they want to graduate with good grades and not gaining 5 pounds a semester. But still. Marriot à la BYU just has this knack for reminding you of that repression.

But I digress. Weird.

So these four main events:
1) Study Abroad Rennes 2004 (4.5 months in school, 1.5 months falling in love with Europe)
2) Mission. Canadian Montreal Mission, to be exact. French and Spanish speaking
3) Marseille, summer of 2009
4) Paris, summer of 2012

I'm not sure that the last two constitute how I learned French. But they are how I maintain it and regulate my mostly French but sometimes Québecois accent.

Naturally, I started talking about the first. And somehow the topic of homesickness came up. Which I did feel then, and keenly. A phone call home a week, a trip to the internet café or campus library once or twice a week (yes, this in the prehistoric days of internet cafés and les cabines, preceding the takeover of cell phones and wireless and, gasp, social media) and most of all, living in an apartment by myself, made for a very lonely me. If I want to track my development as a person, I measure my ability to handle that kind of solitude now and find it completely beyond me now. Ever the introvert, my ability to be alone with myself has completely devolved over the years. Gregariousness has settled in and made a permanent home. I've tried to go on social media and cell phone fast summers of '09 and '10 (I think?) to rediscover that ability, but I'm not sure I can do it this summer and I'm not sure I want to.

Talking about homesickness led to me talking about how, worse than any homesickness I felt that first extended time away from home and in a new culture, was the reverse culture shock I experienced upon returning home. And the foretaste I got of reverse homesickness before I even left France.

I can't remember now if this story is already somewhere on this blog. But I retold it, the other night, to this total stranger. How it was my last night in Paris. And how I was alone, in the metro, completely oblivious to the potential sketchiness of that situation. On the bench next to me this guy and a girl were making out, totally oblivious of my existence, which is one thing I've always appreciated (if not understood) about the French. And how it hit me, that I was leaving France and going home. And how there, in the middle of the mostly-deserted metro and next to the total-soon-to-be-half-oblivious couple, I broke down. Sobbing. Mostly uncontrollably. Let's just say that the nonchalance of the couple next to me was catching.

This was different, I explained, than the time the plane descended through the clouds above Salt Lake City the spring of 2008 and I saw, for the first time in 18 months, the stretch of the mountains of my childhood and my soul's home. There were tears then, too, yeah. But it was more like joy leaking through. That home-again, in-my-place-again a loud at-rest-again joy, which some languages have a word for but the English doesn't. Not that I know of, at least.

That feeling I felt, there in the metro, was not joy. It was an everything-is-over and nothing-will-ever-be-the-same feeling, something akin to sorrow. Maybe. My new friend asked me why I felt that way. I tried to explain how, at the time, despite the promise I had made to myself that I would come back, I felt that I would never be back. That I was literally saying goodbye, forever. "Why would you think that you would never be back?" my friend asked. I tried to explain. I was young. My vision was so limited back then. How I didn't understand possibility, that the future could be so big and so amazing. Sometimes I wonder if I still have that tunnel vision and I'm sure that I do. My friend wasn't convinced. I then explained how, even if I came back, the people I had spent 4 1/2 months with would be gone, most of them, back to their respective countries and lives. I could return to the city, yes. To that desolate and dirty apartment of mine that has somehow been transformed from a foreign prison to someplace sacred. But that the city, my apartment, that space holding me, would NEVER be the same.

And then it hit me. What I was mourning, there in the metro, was change. And that maybe I'm always mourning it, to some extent, because I hate that novelty comes at the expense of goodbye. And that everyday we are living in such a way, hopefully, that we are leaving certain things behind, permanently. Every day we make decisions that make it so that things will never.be.the.same. But we don't always realize it. If we are evolving, our world around us is too. And one sobering truth I learned from that first experience living abroad is that the world continues to revolve without me. When I was in France, life in Utah went on without me. When I came home, life in France went on without me. I know that's almost trite, but for someone who has a tendency to want to always be behind the driver's wheel, that realization was kinda.a.big.deal.

And maybe one of the reasons I love traveling and novelty is that it makes me acutely aware change. I think this conscientiousness does me good, so that every once in a while, I have a place, a moment, to mourn change even as I embrace it. And that somehow this mourning is also a celebration, of gratitude and possibility. As Jonathan Safran Foer writes, "You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness".

I feel as though this summer, there is a lot of change on the horizon (if not already upon me and the people around me), a lot of goodbyes. I tend to rebel against the changes imposed on me, especially when other people's decisions seem to put me on a path I wasn't "prepared" for. Sometimes, it's nice to look back and realize, hey, I've been here. And I freaking survived.

Anyway, here's a poem from the archives. Full of 20 year old angst and written at the peak of homesickness at 5 am from the 5th floor of that filthy apartment one night. It's mostly an account of voyeurism, but it's weird how recreating the scene evokes the feelings I had at the time. I didn't keep a journal back then (versus now...?) and so I would have almost forgotten that I even really felt homesick were it not for this.




Hold tight

-->

Beneath the poplar tree they’re singing at the top of their lungs at 3 am.

An eye on the shopping cart,

two on the lovers inside-

the steel grid impressing into their backs

colliding with the scapula, where wings were once attached.

They are lovers.

Without shoes side by side by the back door,

 or papercuts, or sand-worn pepples,

without wings,

without, even, the light of the moon

it is clear,

what they are.

Tumbling

through the empty parking lot

flying

in

and out of potholes, teeth crashing,

clenching; trying not to

hold too tight

fingers knit into steel

and flesh, and bone.

Curb.

Wheat grass; no,

mud and grass.

Grass stains.

The shopping cart is a cage.

Only lovers can laugh like that.

From a window five floors above you watch for nearly an hour.

There must be six of them, taking turns.

Without the moon, you can’t see much

and you don’t understand Italian.

But you wait for the laughter

you wait

for the curb

the steel to flesh to earth

maybe blood

but laughter.

Beneath the poplar tree, they are singing.

The shopping cart is overturned,

a few are sitting on it but only for moments at a time.

The grid, you know.

Someone pulls out an accordian.

The singing rises above the tree,

above the fifth floor. They are still laughing.

The sky is a little bit of light, your eyes heavy with it.

without moonlight,

without words, or tattoos, or postage stamps

it is clear

what they are.

Your back aches; home, for you too, is a long way ago.

I will learn to love the skies I'm under

I could entitle every other post with this title. I'm not even kidding. It's like a reoccurring condition, a disease even that I'm constantly trying to overcome.

The French would probably call it "mal du vivre" or "mal du siècle". That's a start. Now let's add "one who is inflicted with wanderlust" to the definition. And I've kinda spoken in my last post of my propensity to be overly nostalgic. Well, that's part of it too, so let's add that as well. As for the rest, I'm hesitating between premature and impatient, which if combined, make immature. So let's use that word with it's secret dual combination. Now you try to come up with a name for that condition and let me know, because it'd make life easier for everyone if what this all is could be summed up in one little word. And it would be paradoxical, which I would love.

A few random, mostly irrelevant words (because I should be writing my thesis and well, I just can't, can't, can't). The semi-important ones have been marked as such for your reading convenience.

Words part I:

You'll notice a trend in my blog. Okay, I just went and actually looked and my blogging history and well, it's a stretch to say that it is a trend. But there is a trend in my life. April and May since 2009 have haunted me yearly with their weight of decisions. If you look at your calendar, you'll notice that yeah, it's May. So, like, do the math.

Words part II:

Yesterday I spent hours not writing my thesis and instead doing research on where I want to move in SLC. When am I moving, you might ask? Oh, AUGUST. As in, 3 months away. As in, I have a thesis that needs my keen researching and analytical skills.

Today I spent another hour or so researching summer teaching jobs in CHINA. Apart from the China part, this might like perfectly normal behavior if you know me well enough. Yeah. Except that I didn't have in mind this summer. Oh no, that would be far too almost-normal. No, silly: I'm planning for NEXT SUMMER. Side note that I'll return to because that's what this whole post is about: I don't know yet what I'm doing this summer. And I just laughed out loud as I wrote that. Sounded more like an evil chuckle though.

Words Part III:

Now that I am going to have a real paying teaching job starting in August, it's like a world of summer possibilities have opened themselves up to me: teaching English in China, Humanitarian work, internships at businesses whose industries I'm interested in, volunteer work in South America and getting my Spanish back, tackling some freelancing or translation jobs from a flat rented in _______ city in Europe.

Ok. Now I realize that the fact that I will have money doesn't mean that I'll be rolling around in it. So why I suddenly feel that next summer or the summers to come will be any different than the past 4 as far as the infinity of possibilities go is pretty much a mystery to me. See, I have all these exotic dreams, the greatest intentions for how I'm going to fill my free time, just like I have list posted on my wall with all the things I'm going to do once my thesis is finished (which I wrote, yes, in another evasive non-thesis writing session).

Words Part IV:

Here is my list (in no particular order):

Sign up for 1/2 marathon
HIKES!
Create Pilates/Yoga plan
Finish "The Idiot"
Make list of books I want to read, complete with reading schedule
Get music off old computer
Organize computer files, etc
Start planning meals: 2 new recipes a month
Actually learn how to do family history
Learn to sew again: start with buttons and lengthening pants (whatever the technical term for that is)
Plan painting/photography days at least once a month
Volunteer with refugees

Not officially on the list:
Learn how to use photoshop
Read books about editing. Actually learn grammar and punctuation rules.
Read books about freelance writing
Start working on ARL classes so I can finish that junk in a year (suckers)
Read books about language acquisition
Read books about positive psychology
Find some grassroots movement to get involved in and read books that are relevant to making a difference in that area
Learn to play the guitar again
Study Spanish
Study Portuguese

Ok. So you get the point: my life looks awesome if you look at the lists I make for myself. You totally want my life, right now, don't you. Yeah, SO DO I; the truth of it is, I will do about 20% of the things on these lists.

Words Part V:

But--and this is THE problem--I live for these lists, for these promises of tomorrow. I'm actually not sure I know how to live in today. Not that I'm not happy. I am. Not that I'm not fulfilled. I think I am. I'm just always waiting, too. Like a kid with ADD (um, who are we kidding, there is no "like" necessary in that sentence). On the edge of my seat. And I'm kind of addicted to that edge and the back and forth of my swinging legs. It's my own version of thrill seeking, that waiting is.


Words Part VI (this is the semi-important part):

As part of the array of April/May decisions, I am trying to decide between going back and doing the same internship in Paris as last year through July or sticking around stateside and seeing some places I have yet to see: basically a perma-vacation from the end of June till the end of July.

I thought I had decided on the latter. Granted I made that decision yesterday; judging by how I've been employing my time the past few days, my frame of mind might not be conducive to decision making. Especially because the week before that my decision was Paris because I hadn't thought of an alternative but was still hesitant to go; every time I would get ready to write them an email confirming my acceptance, I got cold feet.

But today, I can't bring myself to write the email telling Paris I won't be joining it's smelly metros and night streets this summer. I can't cross that possibility off my list.

And there are other factors for this indecision, of course. But they are minor compared to the main one. The truth of it is, the real reason I'm not sure I want to go back to Paris is because working there means entering a routine. And routine means the onset of the aforementioned condition. I know myself: last year instead of spending my free time in Paris running in the parks and reading books on park benches, instead of learning how to work my camera, instead of writing on my blog and in my own handbound book (in Paris! I mean, does it get more quintessential than that?!?), I spent hours writing emails back home to the people I missed, skyping friends and family back home, talking to my new friends about life back home, dating back home, my plans for when I got back home, more lists, more brilliant ways I was going to come home a better person (and by better person I mean the same person with a better plan, a better vision). Knowing that my life in Paris was temporary, I wasn't there long before I wanted to get back to life more durable: to come home and move, get back to dating that could actually go somewhere, finish my thesis (forgetting that this plan and the preceding are pretty much mutually exclusive), and pick up my to do list where I had left off.

Now it's not to say that I didn't do A LOT in Paris. It's just that I also did a lot of waiting too. And now that I've done all that in Paris, I'm wondering how to fill another month with a now-less-novel- Paris.

And the reason I want to run amok hopping around from state to state instead is that I'm hoping to sufficiently distract myself from the real world, from routine, from waiting for a move in August, a new job, new roommates, new coworkers, new ward, new routine, new schedule (so much more time!), and the above lists to be checked off.

And the reason I am having a hard time sending that email saying "No, Paris, I won't come back to you; I love you but you're only a passage and you're predictable and I can't share you the people I leave behind and the closer I get to you the wider the gap between me and others gets and I have problem with living in the present et c'est plus fort que moi!" is because it feels like defeat. And the stubborn and proud part of me refuses to have this weakness: "You can't live like this forever," comes the voice, that monstrous liar. "Sooner or later, you have to learn how to live in present, how to love the present, how to love in the present. Why not learn this summer? Get some practice in Paris: it might be the most important lesson you learn this year. And you might not have next summer".

Words Part VII:

Here is a passage from the book I've translated for my thesis, Les Lettres Chinoises by Ying Chen.

"I’ll head to Paris in a week. No need to say how much that city fascinates me. You know how all our youth was marked by it: it’s kind of because of Paris that we studied French, spent the best moments of our lives conjugating ridiculous verbs, believing that elsewhere was better than home. I know that my stay in Paris won’t be easy. It’s never easy to look in the face those things that we’ve dreamt of for so long. But what can you do about it? We live for that which we’ve dreamt of."

It's probably not hard to see why I chose this book to translate. It's lovely. It's about existential exile, literal and figurative immigration. And ain't it the truth. And obviously the book end in tragedy, in case I had piqued your interest. Which is only an indication of how French it is. But also how good it is.

Words Part VIII (also potentially semi-important):

Whatever my choice, I have a lesson to learn, a demon to defeat. Like Da Li, one of the protagonists of the novel and the "writer" of the above letter, I need to follow where life takes me and not worry about the itinerary. Life has been taken me to some beautiful places, almost always despite myself. And my decisions have always turned out for the best, even the little ones, despite how disproportionately heavy seem to be.

"Finally, everyone seemed to want to leave the country. I realized then that my country wasn’t that good anymore. And so I left. What really throws me off, it’s that those who left like me are really unsatisfied with their life as an immigrant. They make me realize that I’m not at home and that I will suffer like them. “For birds, a nest made of gold is worth less than a nest made of straw”, they say. And yet they stay, far from their nest of straw. Maybe someday life will feel the desire to take me back to Shanghai? So I told myself: to be born or to die in one place rather than another isn’t important. The only thing that matters is to follow where life takes you. Life may have a purpose but it doesn’t have an itinerary. If we insist on following an itinerary, we’re just throwing ourselves against the walls. And we die early."

Words part VIII:

Um, that's all. Nothing too enlightening or surprising here. Another narcissistic self-help session. I swear I do sometimes write (I think) beautiful things. Sometimes I think profound thoughts. I just never finish them or don't publish them. I'm not gonna say "one day"; for today, this is what I wanted to write and so I guess that's worth something in its own way. This is my today, on paper.

Complete with almost chapter titles. You can thank the thesis for those.

The page turner

My hermanita who is on a mission in Argentina, after reading my last poem (see previous post,) asked me if I would write her a "Christmas poem" or "a poem about our (it's a family trait that has been refined in said sister and myself) inability to leave the past alone". Something about that request was really daunting for me.

I could have written something oozing with nostalgia. We are kinda good at that (see previous paragraph) but I didn't want a more angst-ridden version of my last poem and I also didn't want to make her too homesick. The Sunday before Christmas I was sitting during a Christmas program and something kind of unrelated struck me. I think the resulting words here are more like a New Years poem, in fact, than a Christmas one.

You know me, I am a sucker for definites. Beginnings and endings especially, framed by days and hours and concrete moments. I think I feel deeper in these moments, or awareness makes me feel as though I do. But this year I am especially grateful that things begin and that they end and that we have markers by which to measure the joys, the pains, the laughter, and the tears. I am glad for excuses to pause and reflect. And to hope. I am more grateful for this past year than I, yes I, could put into words. But I am perhaps even more grateful for the year before me. For every day before me. For every opportunity for growth, even if (and it usually does) come at the expense of comfort, that comes in the form of new years, new months, new weeks, days, even minutes. That it is never to late to become more than you were just before and to give more and love more and feel more. I am grateful for the days that have shaped me and grateful that sometimes I have to leave them behind.

And so: adieu, 2012; 2013, you have a stinking lot to live up to.

The Page Turner


My fingers know the white and black of keys
on the old piano in the cold front room,
know the whites that are chipped
and the blacks that sometimes stick.
They slip, like hands to gloves, into the memories
of melodies hovering over the ivories, waiting.

There are so many pages and notes I've learned by heart,
that with familiarity I could play without tiring;
but with the years, the pieces get longer,
impossible to memorize and my hands feel so small.
There are songs I would not choose to play,
were it not for the Master setting the pages before me.

"Play on", He whispers as he keeps time with a gentle tapping
while my fingers fumble to learn the notes as I go.
Sometimes I spend hours on a page, a line,
until my fingers rediscover their deftness,
and sometimes I have to play on, unrehearsed,
but always His hands turn the pages that mine can't.

At the end of each page: play on.
When my fingers get in the way: play on.
When I want to skip to the end: play on.
When this movement feels like home : play on.

When the words "the glory be thine",
when angelic host proclaimed,
when carpenter's hands healed,
when with the bitter cup: "play on",

whispers the author and finisher
of every masterpiece I will ever play,
my Master keeping time:
        the watchful page-turner.




In passing... I know this blog hasn't seen a proper posting in months. Other than poetry, I mean. But I kinda feel okay about that. I remember talking to a friend who had been to see a fortune teller. Honest to goodness. She was telling me all about the experience and some advice the fortune teller told her stood out to me. That was years ago, and I can barely remember it. But it was something to the tune of being in a place and with people that make us want to create because we are closer to divinity when we are creating. Not bad for someone who makes a living focused on lines in people's hands.  President Uchtdorf  has said something similar. Anyway, I have kind of used that advice as a measuring stick of sorts. Not necessarily of my spirituality, but of balance in my life. And so three poems in the last few months would seem to testify that I've stuck some kind of right cord, despite the hours I spend researching which you would think to be the epitome of non-creative work. I'd like to think that poetry's re-entry into my life bespeaks in some sort of concrete, recordable form, to how great this year has been. That's all.